The guest list, without the fights

You open a spreadsheet, write down everyone who comes to mind, and in 2 days you have 240 names for a place that holds 120. From there, every cut feels like taking something away from someone.

The fights are usually about the cousin your mom insists on inviting, the coworker who already heard about it, the single friend asking for a "+1" and the kids, which some want and others don't. And they almost always blow up late, with the venue already paid for.

The number first, then the names

The maximum number comes from 2 limits and, once it's set, it doesn't move.

• The venue. Ask for the comfortable capacity, with a dance floor and room to move around, not the one they give you with the tables jammed together. It's usually 20% to 30% lower.
• The budget. Venue, food and drinks take about 42% of the total, and that 42% gets divided among the names on the list. Do the division once and see how much is left per person. A formal event with an open bar can cost three times as much per head as a simple one.

The third number is the tables. Round ones seat 8 or 10, and a table for 10 is 1.8 meters (6 ft) across and takes up about 3 meters (10 ft) with chairs. With 133 guests and tables of 10, you pay for 14 tables and seat 3 people alone at the last one. Going from 133 down to 130 saves you a table.

If 30 of your guests are single, the +1 moves 30 seats.

Three tiers: A, B and C

• A, the non-negotiables. If picturing the event without that person hurts, they're A. This usually takes up 50% to 60% of the total.
• B, the ones who come if there's room: second-circle friends and extended family you get along with.
• C, the obligation invites: coworkers out of courtesy or your parents' friends you don't know. This is where almost all the outside pressure comes from.

All of A goes in first. With what's left, you move people up from B. C gets in only if there's room after A and B, and there almost never is.

Torn between A and B?

1. Have I talked to this person in the last year because I wanted to, not because I had to?
2. Will they still be in my life 5 years from now?
3. If they didn't come, would I notice during the event?

2 yeses or more, it's A. 1, it's B. None, it's C.

No-shows and rounds

Between 10% and 20% of guests don't come, and more if a lot of people have to travel. Out of 150 invitations, that's 15 to 30 spots that free up on their own, and that's where tier B comes in.

That percentage is an average. If everyone you know lives in the same city, no-shows can stay under 10%. If half the list has to get on a plane, 1 in 3 might not make it.

Send the first round 6 to 8 weeks ahead, or 3 months ahead if people are traveling. Ask for RSVPs 3 to 4 weeks before the event, which is when the venue asks for the final number. The second round goes out 3 to 4 weeks after the first. An invitation that arrives 10 days before says "you were plan B."

Plus-ones and kids

Every exception opens the door to the next, so the rule gets decided once and applies to everyone.

The +1

It's the decision that inflates a list the most. If 30 of your guests are single, your call moves 30 seats, 20% of a 150-person list.

• A "+1" for anyone in a serious relationship, living with someone, engaged or married, even if you don't know their partner.
• Singles who'll be among friends and family they know, usually not.
• Someone who won't know anyone else, yes.

Within each group, the rule is the same for everyone. If one single cousin doesn't get a "+1," neither does the other.

Kids

• No kids. Give 6 weeks' notice so parents can make arrangements, put only the adults' names on the invitation and, if you can, offer a specific alternative.
• Kids welcome. They add logistics and place settings, even if the kids' menu costs less, and every child takes up a full seat in the headcount.
• Some kids. Only nieces, nephews and godchildren, or only kids under a certain age, with the same rule for everyone.

If someone asks "why does so-and-so's kid get to come and mine doesn't?", the answer is the rule: "we decided only nieces and nephews, the same for everyone."

When the parents are inviting too

• Hand out allotments with a number. If the venue holds 150 and the couple's tier A takes 90, there are 60 left to split between the families. "You have 25 spots" is a conversation that ends.
• If someone is contributing money, they get a say, and their allotment is agreed on beforehand. That allotment doesn't grow during planning.
• Each family trims its own list. Give your mom her number and let her choose, because she's the one who knows those people.

How to say no

• Talk about the size of the event: "We decided to keep it really small, just family and lifelong friends."
• Give one short reason. "The venue is small and it's already full" closes the conversation, and every extra explanation opens a negotiation.
• Offer another way to get together: "I'd love to see you, let's do something soon."
• Only say "let's see if a spot opens up" if it's true.

Someone inviting you to their wedding doesn't mean you have to invite them to your event.

The 7 steps

The first 3 get done this week.

1. Work out the maximum number and round it down to the nearest multiple of 8 or 10.
2. Write down every possible name without filtering.
3. Sort each one into A, B or C with the 3 questions.
4. Put in all of A and fill with B up to the limit.
5. Write down your rule for plus-ones and kids before you send the first invitation.
6. Give numbered allotments to the families who want to add names.
7. Send invitations 6 to 8 weeks ahead, ask for RSVPs 3 or 4 weeks before the event, and move people up from B as the no-shows come in.